"Damn, that chick was hot!"
"I really don’t like fat people! I just don’t understand why some people have to be so fat!”
"Want to see a picture of a severed finger?"
"You only come off as matronly because you think of yourself as being matronly. It’s mind over matter."
"Good job." (post sex)
"It’s not you—it just doesn’t feel right. Now, let’s carry on."
"Dude, thanks for the killer beej!"
"So, that was really uncomfortable… but I had a BLAST!"
"You said big boobs run in your family? Wow, uh, you should… keep me away from your mom and sister. No, seriously."
"I’m pretty sure I don’t care about any of the details of your work day."
"I mean, I like you but I am not attracted to you, you’re like too much like me, you know, like a sister."
"Since I left my crazy ex, I’ve just hired escorts. But only four or five of them."
"Can I ask you something? When girls sign their emails ‘xoxo,’ what is that? Does that mean they want to do it?"
"Are you sure you don’t want me to stick it in? It’s really small. You’ll hardly feel it."
"I mean, Jesus. If someone looked in my sock drawer right now, I mean look at it. A lighter, weed, and a condom."
"I’ve been featured in two magazines… for being unemployed."
"Based on your profile, I thought you’d be huge!"
"You know ketamine? Special K? Yeah, I used to deal that."
"I’m not really into this whole ‘gentleman’ thing—so make sure you bring some cash for your meal."
THINGS MY DATE REALLY SAID LAST NIGHT is taking a two week vacation. don’t be mad. we’ll be back mid-january. please keep track of the things your dates say in the meantime, and keep contributing.
"Wow, you eat more than I do!"
"I was raised Catholic. I mean, I don’t believe in abortion. I say ‘Let it live’. I mean, I’d take care of it. Just let it live. Let it live. I say, let it live. Really, just let it live."
"Cancer is soooo funny!"
"I get nervous when people look me in the eyes, so could you not? What size shoe do you wear?"
"I got a girl I dated pregnant… Thankfully she was normal about it and got it taken care of."
"You think the government doesn’t know the world is gonna end in a couple of years? Oh, they know. And they’re not going to have a plan for us, just for themselves."
"Ohhh, so that is what a vagina looks like!”
THINGS MY DATE REALLY SAID LAST NIGHT has a facebook page. if you’re a fan, let’s make this official. the more you spread the word, the more submissions we’ll get, and the better the reading will be. do it for the team.
THANK YOU <3
"Wow, your stomach is so soft—like a pillow."
"I’m really glad that you have hair."
"The only compelling reason I can think of to be in a relationship is that you’d have someone to pick your clothes out for you."
"I’m totally down to cuddle but can we please not talk?"
"Is it bad to say you have double D’s because you’re fat?"
"I want to kill a cow with a knife."
"Maybe you should take me out on a real date before you finger me."
"Before we even sit down, I need to know if this is going anywhere. I don’t want to waste time with you if you aren’t interested in getting married and having children."
"If I get in the car, you’re not going to try to harvest my organs…..right?"
"Vin Diesel was my dungeon master."
"If I just wanted to get laid, I’d go to a club…"
“Do you have a carpenter fetish, or am I really just fixing this drawer?”
"I’m really happy about where my career is right now. Things are really lining up. Also, I’m selling mad ecstasy out of my apartment. Brooklyn is AWESOME."
"I like it when you moan. It sounds like some porn star shit."
"You remind me of a Muppet. In a good way."
"Oh, by the way, I’m involved in a polyamorous BDSM relationship."
"Wait. If we’re going to do this, I’m going to need to smoke more pot."
"Did the crying freak you out last night?"
"I like your feet. Do you think I could hump them? No? Maybe lick them?"
thanks for your time!
things my date really said last night is only as hilarious as your worst date.
please contribute a quote and spread the word by following us on facebook.
"It saddens me that you’re only with me when you’ve been drinking."
"It’s okay, I only need you once more tonight."